Patience has always been my nemesis. That elusive trait I refuse to embrace. As I fly around my universe at warp speed, juggling a thousand balls in the air, I choose not to allocate precious time for that which I perceive to be an overrated virtue.
I have no patience for inflated egos. Or for bullying. Or for blatant stupidity. These traits are not worthy of my attention, and I tend to cut folks off at the knees and push them off my radar in a matter of nano-seconds if they show any hints of them.
Them sounds like fighting words, don’t they? And for some folks, they just may be.
But according to the folks who are nearest and dearest to my heart, this particular attitude of mine is in stark contrast to the high level of patience they say I have always gifted to my clients. And my friends. And my family.
So what has sparked this sudden angst over what I seem to have determined is my lack of patience?
Was it the visit I had with my elderly mother a few days ago? When she regurgitated the same conversation I’ve been having with her during every visit lately? A conversation which took every ounce of patience I could muster not to scream in her face, and instead, sit with her hand in mine and quietly explain it to her…over and over and over again?
Is it because when I see the confusion and frustration in her eyes, I am saddened that I cannot find the magic answer to make it all go away for her?
I know I must remember both my mother and I are in a learning curve. Learning how to cope with her dementia. And her increasing physical limitations. And the roller coaster ride of emotional responses.
I know I need to cut myself a break. I am not perfect. No one is, I know. And I have to realize I have traveled a long way on the road to understanding. I have found methods to deal with every issue which has come across my path.
So what if it has taken me more than one shot to hit the bullseye? I’ve hit the target more times than I have missed.
I know I must keep putting one foot in front of the other. And take comfort in the knowledge my efforts are not in vain. Quite the contrary. For my clients and my friends and my mother…who tell me my efforts on their behalf are a lifesaver. I must accept them to be as my own as well.